“I must continue to breathe afresh every day, or my life will cease.”
This quote has been a favorite of mine since high school, and it still rings true.
Let’s face it — 2020 has not been very kind in a lot of ways. I feel like spring ended and summer began and I’ve really barely had a chance to even take a breath at all, much less a fresh one.
First winter cold and then grieving losses and then a global pandemic with stay-at-home orders and then job and home responsibilities and then insomnia and then a teething baby plunged my head under the water and just didn’t let up…
Where are you, God?
I throw the question out into the night more times than I want to admit. When I feel that God is elusive, praying is tough, finding Bible verses is tougher, and sleep is nearly impossible, I find myself doing one of two things: grasping for Jesus in total surrender OR giving up.
I’ve given up a lot already this year. I could blame my circumstances. I could blame people. I could blame a lot of things. But instead, today, I am choosing Jesus.
I literally do NOT have time to sit down every morning and read a devotional, pray over Scripture with a cup of coffee, or even read a single Bible verse. And I’m finding that is okay. My life right now is full of sweet giggles, late night feedings and diaper changes, early (way to early) mornings hitting the ground running with my PJs on a hair a mess. And I’m learning to be okay with that too. Instead of stressing over not having enough time in my day to spend seeking Jesus, I’m seeking him in the midst of the chaos instead.
Baby wakes up at 5:30 a.m. and doesn’t go back to sleep? Open up my Bible anyway.
Breakfast is met with whining and bickering? Turn on the worship music.
The adorable Pinterest activity for quiet time bombed and now there’s glitter in every crevice of my living room? Laugh, ask God to bring his joyful Spirit into the room, and laugh again.
I have too long struggled with not being able to “give X minutes to God.” But that’s okay. He doesn’t want “X minutes.” He wants my whole heart, and he wants my surrender.
Here’s my surrender today, Lord.
Use me for your glory.